Mr. Bismark Von Schanauzer, some musings...

Bismark.
The poor guy, we used to be those "dog people"... you know, the ones who love our dog like a child, and who think that dogs are actually children. The ones who if one was to mention a story, a milestone, or issue with their actual child we would somehow relate it to the dog, as though it was the same thing...for instance "Little Johnny has a cold and won't be able to come to church today"... to be responded with "oh yeah... Fido has a runny nose too, must be something going around..." (yes, for real).
We would secretly snicker at those who THOUGHT their dog was smart, cool, or cute... knowing that there was no chance of them holding a candle to the "Biz". I mean, he was our baby- proof that we might have a chance at raising a real person and not doing permanent damage. He's an awfully handsome dog as well, not half bad for an SPCA mutt. Possibly the cutest puppy ever too.
Enter actual child # 1, then # 2. Quickly the buddy took a backseat. Then entered the way, way back. He pretty much adjusted, seemed okay with it. Not overly interested, just needed a good sniff. Learned to love and tolerate the kids. Once they were able to give him treats, it got even better.
Ok, so time to just say:
Dear Biz,
We love you. You have been a fantastic doggie to our family. All quirks aside. All neuroses, strange behaviors and fears, and bothersome behavior to guests- you still rock.
You are pretty smart, though not as smart as we initially thought. While easily annoyed, you are fiercely protective over those we love. But seriously buddy, what do you think Corky or Tyson would do? Relax a little, no one is going to hurt your babies. And about your mortal enemy, the white cat...you stand no chance whatsoever of catching him. He torments you on purpose, ignore him. You'll be better off.
Now buddy, a question I have for you... have you ever been hit with a broom or vacuumed up? Didn't think so. What's all this fear about? And, about the fireworks... have you even been shot or shot at? I mean, they happen each night at 10 pm.. and each night, you are fine. Again, relax a little. And,one more thing, have you ever been hurt or offended by Elmo? I mean, he's just ticklish.. let him be. We all have had enough of seeing him on TV, but I never tried to bite him.
And, just for the record, heavily breathing on people while they try to eat is neither proper etiquette, nor a way to score food. Licking feet and leaning on people does not usually help either. We all see you, we all know you are there. You certainly are not starving, as your third chin suggests. And bud, there are times where I cannot or will not go under the couch to look for a tiny piece of rawhide that you put there to keep from Zachary (smart move, I have to say, though...)
Last but not least though, buddy, thank you for being a friend. You are old faithful, weirdness and all...despite the constant "back up Bismark" and "buddy- MOVE!"... We hit the jackpot!