I found myself in a conversation the other day that left me thinking. It was at a table of pretty much strangers from my church. Nice women, fantastic mothers, strong believers. It was a conversation that was not meant to offend. Not meant to hurt. But, nevertheless one that left me feeling bad (for lack of a better word) the rest of the day. It went a little something like this...

Person 1 " I made a decision that a stranger would never watch my kids all day. Daycares are impersonal, and the ratio is terrible"
Person 2 "When I decided to have kids, I committed to raising them myself"
Person 3 "Most daycares are really scary"

Me. Quiet. Trying not to make eye contact so no one could read me.

Person 1 "I mean, nothing against anyone who uses daycare. Some people have to, but there usually is a way to stay home"
Person 2 "Yeah, I mean it's good for socialization...
Person 3 "...but just not the same as the one on one attention"

Me. Quiet. Second guessing. Bordering on feeling judged. Knowing that no harm is meant. But still, feeling it.

It's not the first time. Usually it's me beating myself up and feeling guilty.

I am a working mom who uses daycare. Those girls that care for my kids are not strangers. The way Zachary squeals when he sees his Miss Toni, and the way Adam admires and learns from his teacher Ms. Tilkens, or "T" as they call her... I am grateful for them. But that's not really what this is all about.
Being a part of this conversation made me realize- I bet I have done this. In one way or another I bet I have inadvertently hurt someone with my opinions. There have been times, I am sure, where I have put my foot in my mouth without even realizing it. Offended someone by simply expressing what I think is right, hitting a sensitive spot I don't know is there.

I am going to be more careful with my words.
I am going to remain confident in my choices regarding my children (no one knows them like I do).
I am not going to be angry, bitter, or feel resentment.

No Sleep

Pinkeye

Sick Kids

Corneal abrasion
Trust me, you don't want an image.

Bad work week (a couple, actually)


=An exhausted, discouraged me, and explains my lack of inspired blogging this week.

Thankfully, I have these two faces



And this man

Sealed with this promise


To know this is just a season.

I am an admitted Facebooker. I have heard many of opinions on Facebook... some love it, some despise it, some have it as a result of peer pressure. I can say I enjoy it. I enjoy keeping up with those people who cross my mind a few times per year and just seeing how they are doing.

That cute couple in college- did they get married?

Some old youth group friends- wow- what are they up to?

My group of friends from college... do their kids look like them?

And, I ,like anyone (including the 300+ of you wonderful visitors in the last week who did not leave a comment, lol) love to do a little innocent stalking on those who intrigue me. Hey, I am human! Inquiring minds do want to know, you know.

That being said, today as I was browsing through some status updates, I saw many who reflected that 2009 was a painful year, a difficult year, a year of loss, one that they would like to forget for one reason of another (and maybe kick in the butt a few times on the way out).

It got me thinking... thinking again about the blessings in my life. Again about the need to stay happy and content. About the basic silver platter that has been handed to me and my family- a happy marriage, two beautiful, healthy, and well loved children, a more than suitable home, two reliable vehicles... and those are just the "things". God has blessed my family with peace and blessings. He has protected us from pain and harm. He has provided for us, even when we were not faithful to him.

Perfect? Of course not. Issues at times? Sure. But the big picture is pretty sunny.

So, I wanted to take a moment to thank the Lord for his abundant blessings we have been given as a family. I am not naive to the trials and bumps in the road that will surely come, but wow, God is good to us and I am thankful.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
Psalm 107:1

"Trim"ming the Tree

Well the Christmas tree is up and the season is kicking into full gear! I do love Christmas, it's always a great time. However, working in my field there is often a great deal of pain, sadness, and need that emerges too. Holidays are tough times for those who have been through a lot.
In our family, we've really trimmed down our exchanging. And, I am having no regrets. Sure, we picked up a few small things for each of the boys. I do love their faces when they see something for the first time. Paul and I opted out of gift giving. I mean, honestly I cannot remember the last time we needed something and did not just buy it. For that, I feel blessed. And, at times even overwhelmed but our possessions. Also. we've got small budgets set for the immediate family and are sticking to them.
This feels more right to me than extravagant Christmases of the past.
There will be shopping, though. Shopping for a 6 year old boy, size 7. And his mom, who seems to have few nice things- maybe a soft blanket and something to pamper herself with?
Mostly, though, I want my kids' first responses to what Christmas is all about to be "Jesus", not "Santa". I mean, Santa is cool and all, but c'mon... let's not forget the reason for the season!

My Little Stinker

When Paul and I first brought Zachary home, we were shaking our heads in amazement at how peaceful and quiet he was. Not an ounce of colic or fussiness in him. Now, I spend a lot of time shaking my head with a combination of amusement and fear with my little man, Zachary. Talk about personality and will... his is off the charts!!
With Adam, he was always mellow, compliant and relatively easy. Zachary is, well... none of these things (makes me wonder if Zachary is just typical, where Adam was unique)!! Fortunately, he has such a sweetness that it's easy to overlook. But, I believe I need to get out the books on managing a strong willed child. I heard a quote, not sure of who said it, but it is: "if you teach a strong willed child to do what is right, then they will will be strong willed to do what is right.".


Some things I witness on a daily basis.
- screaming until he gets what he wants
- snagging cookies off the island which he can barely reach
- refusing to hold hands or be picked up unless it's at his own request
- packing food into his cheeks for hours at a time
- howling if he cannot get to what he wants
- running at roadrunner speed from one end of the house to the other, hitting the wall and saying "GUH"
etc, etc, etc...

But, on a cute note... he is starting to talk!! What a bright little guy. He is doing animal sounds, saying please and thank you, asking for help, and even said his first "sentence".. "take socks off". Sounded more like "tak-schoks-ruff", but adorable nonetheless.
I love this little boy. I love that I have my work cut out for me. I love that God is showing me daily the unique spirit he gives each person..

"Don't postpone joy until you have learned all of your lessons. Joy is your lesson."- Alan Cohen

While browsing through Target, I was cutting across the full price section to the clearance section and saw they got a new line of inspirational jewelery.
Here is the one that caught my attention.


"joy: a state of being in perpetual elation"

How nice. How unrealistic.

But the way I choose to understand joy is not a perpetual state of elation. Not at all. We all have our moments that are sheer elation. We all have our people who fill us with happiness, love, and excitement. But, true joy, to me, is an inner gift only given by God. Having this joy gets you through the times where life is anything but perpetual elation. Having joy brings people through trials and grief, through loss and challenges. And, joy does not always mean having a smile on your face and soaring through life. I am not a person in a perpetual state of elation. Far from it. But I have joy because of the Spirit of God in me. Even when I don't feel it, it's there.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds. James 1:2

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

"Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy."
-Joseph Campbell

A Comforting Tongue

A comforting tongue is a tree of life, but a twisted tongue is a crushing of the spirit. Proverbs 15:4
To preface, I was a HIGHLY sensitive child. So much so that I would "tape" (yes, that's what we did before DVR's) commercials from the Christian Children's Fund of the poor African children, distended bellies and sunken in faces, and gather my parents in front of the TV and beg them to help. I mean c'mon, it was just 79 cents a day!!
This blog will be hard to write, because some of the feelings behind it are hard to explain. But, I will do my best.
Tonight, as some words I wish did not escape my lips were said, I was reminded of a commitment I made when Adam was born. I vowed not to ever crush his spirit. To allow him to be free to be himself, never rejected, at ease with who he is, unbroken...
When Zachary was born, I remembered this for him as well. I remember times as a kid being so hurt by words. I was chubby, insecure, and sort of awkward. My parents, teachers, peers never meant to hurt... I have a sensitive spirit, and believe my boys do to. I have toughened up significantly since those days, but still tend to get easily hurt. So, at times when I am frustrated, irritated, or just being human, I want to choose my words, and explain my purpose. I want to discipline effectively, get my point across, but not crush their spirits. I never want them to walk away from me, lip trembling, hurt deeply by an angry word. Some schools of thought take on the "you're the parent, they're the child" philosophy, or the "they don't need an explanation, just tell them what to do" idea... all those are fine for some, but like I said, I see in my boys' eyes me as a child, and I want them to always feel joy and security. I want the praise that I give them to lift their spirit. I have two distinctly different little boys who are going to need a unique approach.
Will I screw up? Yes, I have and am sure will again.
But,I want them to always know that while they have imperfections, that in their Heavenly Father's eyes, and ours, they are as intended. So, Lord help me to meet their needs and prepare them to be men who are sensitive, confident, and without a doubt loved and supported.

Sunday School Lesson

As I may have mentioned, Paul and I have been teaching a 3rd and 4th grade Sunday School class at church since July. This has been great on a number of levels... our church attendance has improved. The call of bacon and eggs and all day pajamas on Sunday's is quickly squelched knowing that our group is waiting. Naturally, our relationships with God and spiritual lives have improved, being present to hear the Word and participate in the fellowship. It's also been good for the kids, mostly Adam, for now- as soon as we hit the 290 he delightfully exclaims "church"!
Anyway, so yes, we have gotten out of old bad habits and have found ourselves enjoying teaching. But, for me it's been more. See, I was not raised consistently in the church, so I still find I have a lot to learn. Some of the details of the lessons leave me exclaiming "NO WAY", and being more amazed at some of the ways God has used bad situations for good, and baffling mysteries to show Himself
So, sometimes the basics come and give reminders, and I like that. Last week, our lesson was basically about our mouths, how what we say effects and can hurt others, etc. While I am by no means perfect or even good at this, the lesson suggested asking these 3 questions before repeating information or engaging in discussions. While I get and have the need to vent, especially working in the environment that I do, I am going to use this as a rule, and do my best to follow it!
Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?

A Summer Lesson

My little stinkers

We support the arts.

Baby kisses
Fun time with daddy
TV time!

So, here goes another. At this point, I have not even made my blog known, I am more using it as a journal because it's much easier to grab the computer and type than get a notebook and a pen... those of you with toddlers are well aware of what I am talking about. Well, something has been made clear to me this summer through various circumstances that I have been told about...

I will be the first to admit that I have a great life- a generous, warm husband who is devoted to me and our boys, two of the cutest kids on the planet, a nice doggy, and an overall blessed existence. So, it's important that you know I am NOT complaining at all, just being real, being me..

Like many people do, I more than occasionally find myself envying the lives of others, people I don't know and some I do... for instance the carefree life of a city person, the good looking couple who moved to an awesome, warm location on a whim, the wife of a VIP who is in the center of it all, the perfectly organized mom who would never let her house get so messy that she would be embarrassed to have company...
Ok, so I don't sit around and think about this daily ( I have an infant and a toddler), but it crosses my mind from time to time... what might it be like to be there, to be this, or that...
This summer, time and again, I learned facts about some lives I might have viewed as desirable and appealing... facts like unfaithful husbands, controlling and abusive marriages, facades that cover insecurities, and loneliness in the lives of people who seem to constantly be surrounded by people who want to serve them... And again, I am reminded that God talks about this , instructs us, and reminds us of just this...

And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God defines your life. 1 Corinthians 7:17 (The Message)

But godliness with contentment is great gain.1 Timothy 6:6 (New International Version)

See above photos for proof.

This week

This past week I had sort of a whirlwind that brought me to a realization that I think is blog worthy...

So, here's the short story... On Tuesday, I interviewed for a job as a school social worker. I had learned of the job and decided to put my resume in and see what happened. In the mean time, I was not even sure if I wanted to go back to work full time or not, but a school job is a highly desired position so I thought I would go for it. Anyway, I left my less than 15 minute interview POSITIVE that I had blown the whole thing. It was quick and to the point, and I just felt like I was not a serious candidate, that they did not like me etc. I critiqued the whole interview and focused on what I should have said, could have done... Well, I got home and over the next two days I felt depressed useless, and disengaged with my family. I felt alone and sad. It showed in our family life, big time- the kids were cranky, the house a mess, patience was low...

Fast forward to Thursday, I got a call and was offered the job and accepted! Surprise to me, and wow what a blessing the job is- tons of time off, short hours, super close to home, great benefits, fantastic pay- so I was soaring! We went for a long walk, to the Krows Nest to play, and basically was at the opposite extreme as the previous couple days.

As excited as I am about this upcoming change, I am disappointed in myself. In my 20/20 hindsight, I see that I allowed my self worth and joy, and the way I treat others to rest in circumstance, in others' perception of me, and in pretty much anything other than God's views of me regardless of what's going on in life. While I know that many might say this is "normal", and "allowed", and that might even be the advice I would give, here is the realization I came to
I need to trust not only that God has a plan laid out before us, and that regardless of how we get there he has gone before us, and worked it out. And, that my self esteem should not be so dependent on earthy approval , professional successes, or whatever the circumstance may be. So, next time I try to remember that.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well Psalm 139:14