Behind the Quirks

I know I've touched on this previously in my blog. And I've wondered for weeks as I've tweaked this- to post or not to post?
Here goes.
I have a quirky kid.  A hilariously delightful quirky kid. The kind who is so beyond his years that you wonder between laughs if there's an 80 year old in that small body. The kid who warms your heart with his sideways smile and his true-to-himself ways.
His quirks are something I've always noticed.  Since his infancy when he needed movement all the time. We spent countless hours sitting on a yoga ball bouncing him, and equally as many doing the classic "new parent in-arms bounce."  I would find myself bouncing even when I wasn't holding him.  He never put anything in his mouth- toys, food, random floor fuzz- nope.   Toys would pass between hands for seemingly hours while he sat content an older infant, when other mothers were locking their cupboards and clearing all surfaces. I felt a little lucky.  There was always eye contact, smiles, interest in others, appropriate reactions to stimuli, and social behavior- so I was never concerned about autism.  But there was something...
His daycare once called me to express concern that he wasn't verbally expressing himself.  If he got a "boo boo", he would cry but fail to tell or point at what hurt, while the other kids would dramatically cry "my toe.. my arm.. my eye" etc. And, he simply could not enter a room full of people, strangers or familiar. If he was the first one in the room, bring on the party.
He would beg to have water from the hose sprayed directly in his face, overjoyed when I did it.  Me, praying no one would see and think I was mean, would do it. A tag in this shirt was like someone had dumped a bucket of spiders down his back.  Evaluations showed everything in the normal range, above average intelligence, speech and language as expected, milestones met and exceeded.
So, that was that.
Preschool, kindergarten, first grade came and went.  He was successful on all accounts, with some comments here and there about following directions, fidgeting, etc- but all that's fairly normal for a 4-6 year old boy. We noticed that his hands were frequently covering his ears, and the more I paid attention it seemed not to avoid loud noises but to eliminate a sense when he was uncertain of/anticipating what was next (climax of a movie, the class clapping when he wasn't sure why, etc).  There was only cautious roughhousing with him, upside down and fast was horrifying for him, meanwhile my other son would relish being held upside down by his ankles.   Incredible sensitivity to smells and super picky about food textures.  A smell that struck him wrong could reduce him to tears and gagging. Yet a marker or nail polish would smell delicious.  An adversive food could do the same, and even things I knew he'd love he would refuse. There were times where I felt he was making up for lost time as a baby, putting things in his mouth that simply did not belong there- such as his hands, the TV remote, PlayDoh, balloons (YIKES!).  I'll always remember going to apply my makeup to find out my makeup brushes missing.  They were found, lined up by size, under his pillow. Turns out, the boy didn't want anything to do with makeup, but loved the feel of the brushes on his cheek.
And of course, there was the time I'll never forget- the shopping cart licking incident- in a less than desirable part of town.  Me, the usually chill mom, considered a hepatitis test...gulp...
His level of frustration around fine motor tasks was increasing as he became school aged, and he was trying desperately to tie shoes and just could not get it.  Less than desirable table manners, nail biting, teeth grinding, knuckle pulling, shirt biting and stretching, and other habits that require a lot of redirection were becoming regular.  It's the worst feeling in the world to feel like you're always on your child for one thing or another.
At first, early on, I would become frustrated, attempt to stop his behavior.  Insist that he try applesauce or squash, then he'd gag... leaving me guilty and confused.  As time went on I realized this was not a stubborn thing, but a very real issue for him. My goal of being that mom who made one dinner, eat it or you're on your own, was no longer a reality. Isn't is easy to have those ideas before kids?
When multi-step directions were given, it seemed like a constant battle.  Reminder after reminder.  Deer in the headlights look frequently showing confusion over a simple instruction.  Yet his desire to please was huge. "Sorry mom. I will do whatever you say."  And some days, he was so "on", stellar at everything, beaming with pride.  Other days were frustrating for everyone involved. Even his two years younger brother would say "Adam! Follow directions!"
When I described him to his teachers in the past, I would always let them know he's "sensory" and explain some of his quirks.  I'd let them know that if he passes on a white cupcake, don't push him he only likes chocolate.  He has never had a piece of candy in his life, but will put it in his bag for his brother to enjoy (but not in the car! Oh the smell!). He self accommodates for the most part, gets away from smells he doesn't like, says "no thank you" when he doesn't want something- this I view as a huge strength.  I always asked if there were concerns, and there weren't.
Until this year.
His sweet teacher had nothing but positives to say about him.  She was enjoying his funny nature and eager learning style. He's a math whiz and lover of non-fiction books always asks for facts on... well, you name it.  But yes, she was noticing. His ability to follow the multi-step directions is lacking, his organizational skills not where they should be, and occasionally just being "somewhere else" was becoming noticeable in the classroom.  Luckily he's  swift enough to look around when he was unsure of what to do -using his peers as a guide to catch up. Nothing he's doing is defiant in nature, just seemingly a disconnect in his processing.   The hands over the ears, the shirt stretching, and things in the mouth that shouldn't be- all present in class. In a way, I was devastated and in a way thankful it was being noticed. And, excited to finally maybe get some answers.
When I had him evaluated for speech/ language and Occupational Therapy (OT) at his new school, he didn't qualify so I dug a little deeper.  Thankfully, the occupational therapist heard me loud and clear and helped me put all the pieces together. What we were told is that Adam has a mild sensory processing disorder, meaning his sensory signals don't always integrate to provide appropriate responses.  I had some limited knowledge of this, and at times could kick myself for not pushing for help sooner- this affects 1 in 20 children. I didn't have enough knowledge to realize that the multi-step directions and organizational skills were tied to the same thing as the ear covering, smell/food sensitivity etc...
A few resources if this is something you see or know of someone who is seeing these things:
The Out of Sync Child - a great read and resource for parents and teachers alike
Some Facts and Figures
Symptoms Checklist   (please allow a professional to assess and diagnose your child, this is just a little screen to see if there are concerns)
What is Occupational Therapy? 
How to get your child services through school?  (this is the route we went, due to there being no academic concerns.  Our district was, fortunately, easy to navigate and work with.  Not all districts are as easy or operate the same.  But you always have a right to ask for an evaluation at any time)
And, of course, talk to your pediatrician

And last but not least- talk with your child! We've kept things general, and my son isn't aware he has an "issue", in fact we've tried to make it a "non-issue". But, we give him tips and refocusing ideas, eliminate distractions during homework time as well as keep a set daily routine, we have overall limited electronics, and a LOT of gentle reminders.  He loves meeting with his OT , and the tools they've provided in the class haven't phased him in the least (his wiggle cushion, chewable pencil toppers, etc),.  He's tying his shoes, and I see improvements in all areas- organizational skills, habits, and following directions.  I am not going to pretend I don't have my moments of frustration, but all in all we keep an open line of communication and try to be understanding.  That being said, he's also not coddled.  He is accountable for his work and stuff, even if his agenda winds up in the living room and the homework sheet is in the kitchen, while the folder is under the couch.  He gathers it, packs it, and takes responsibility.  And, when his hands are in his mouth, he's sent to wash them.  And he still gets a small portion of what he doesn't like on his plate (barring a smell issue), just in case!  I still cut tags out of his shirt, and don't allow my other son to have gum or lollipops in the car, as the world would surely end with the smell of the candy.
It's a balancing act and a work in progress, as is everything else in parenthood.  This year has been one of growth (2nd grade in New York State is no joke!), and I am thankful and happy that he's getting all he needs.